Alone 1. Ash to Ashes

Title:                       Alone, 1.  Ash to Ashes
Author:                   mcomommy
Game:                    Mass Effect
Pairing:                   Kaidan Alenko/Axiom Shepard
Disclaimer:              Mass Effect and all characters from it belong to Bioware.   Star Trek reference, Star Trek is owned by Paramount.
Content Warning:     Angst, Light Sexual Contact


Profile:                  Axiom Shepard
Background:          Spacer/War Hero
Class:                   Sentinel
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Alone
1.  Ash to Ashes

     Leaning his hands against the workbench wearily, Kaidan bowed his head.  All of her things were still scattered across the surface, a dirty rag, a few new weapon mods she hadn't gotten around to installing yet, and a holo of the Williams family.  There, on the back wall, Kaidan staired at the plaque that the Commander had mounted as a memorial to her best friend.  It showed Ashley in pink Phoenix armor that made her look like GI Barbie, toting an M7 Lancer and sporting an expression that said she would kick your ass if you commented on the color.

     "You were Shepard's best friend, Ash", Kaidan thought, "why didn't she save you instead of me?"

     Letting the guilt and self loathing wash over him, Kaidan dropped his gaze back to the workbench.  He ran over the situation they had faced on Virmire again and again in his head, but could never figure out how they could've done things differently to save himself and the Gunnery Chief that had become his friend and squadmate since Eden Prime.

     "I thought I would find you here." A soft voice came from his elbow.  

     Kaidan twitched and clenched his jaw, before turning to look at the Commander.  Axiom Shepard stood watching him, her face solemn, vibrant blue eyes gazing into his soul.  Taking a shakey breath, Kaidan addressed his Commanding Officer.

     "I'm sorry, Shepard.  I just..I still don't understand.  She was your best friend.  How could you just leave her like that just to save me?  It wasn't right."  Kaidan winced.  "That wasn't very tactfull", he thought to himself, realizing that he had come across much harsher than he had intended.

     "Don't get me wrong, I am gratefull, but...", he faultered, unsure of what he should say.

     Shepard's eyes narrowed and, for just a second, he thought he saw her lip quiver before she clenched her jaw.  

     "Is that what you think, Alenko? That this was easy for me?  Well, you don't know me nearly as well as you think you do," Axiom retorted in a voice as hard as steel. Her eyes were sharp and dangerous as she continued, "I don't like leaving someone under my command behind, even less, I don't like leaving a friend behind. I want you to look at that plaque, Kaidan, and read to me what the inscription is."

     Kaidan leaned forward onto the workbench again, his eyes going to the wall behind it and the picture of Ash in the impossibly pink armor.  "The good of the many outweigh the good of the one," he said a little raggedly.

     "Do you know what that means?" Shepad's voice was soft again.

     "It's from some old Earth show, about space and the future," he gave a little ironic smile, "It means that one will die so many may live."

     Axiom reached out and lay her hand overtop of his.  "That's correct," she said.  "Now I want you to look at the other end of the bay and tell me what you see."

     With a frown, Kaidan turned his head.  "Storage crates, Wrex sleeping, and...,"he let his voice trail off.

     "And Salarians." Axiom finished for him.  She looked him in the eye, warmth and compassion shining in their depths, "Those Salarians would've died with you if I had gone back to save Ash.  Don't think so little of what she did that you turn it into a you versus her decision.  She knew what she was doing when she armed the bomb.  Ash didn't just die for you, Kaidan.  She saved Captain Kirrahe's men.  She saved everyone."

     Looking down at her, he finally noticed the red and bloodshot look she had.  Had Commander Shepard, the Commander Shepard, the Hero of Elysium, been crying?  "Kaidan, you fool, this has been as hard on her as it has on you, maybe harder," he thought to himself.

     "I'm sorry Commander," he started, "I just..I don't know, I wish I could've done better."

     A tear trembled on at the corner of Shepard's eye, "I know," she said roughly, her voice thick with emotion, "So do I, every time I watch one of my own die."  She took a shuddering breath and Kaidan tentatively reached out and brushed his thumb across her cheek, stopping the drop in it's trek.

     "How do you deal with it," Kaidan asked her softly.

     Axiom gave a trembling smile and replied, "I try to remember that I'm not alone."

     "Ma'am?"

     "Leutenant," she said, "there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  You can be alone and not feel lonely, and you can feel lonely without being alone.  This right now, what we're feeling, is lonely." Shepard paused, reaching out to take his hand once again, she brought it up to her chest and placed it over her heart.  Holding it there, she stepped closer to him, placing her small delicate hand in the center of his broad chest.

     Kaidan felt the heat rising in his face at the contact, as his mind jumped on the fact that he could feel the swell of her breast against he heal of his hand.  "Has she always been so tiny?" he thought, as he saw just how much of her his hand covered.  While just barely tall enough to meet the Alliance minimum requirements to join, Shepard had always carried herself well.  She had a presence that made her larger than life.  Right now, Kaidan saw the frail little girl who had grown up going ship to ship and station to station with her parents, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and keep her safe from the world.

     "We both just lost a friend and important member of our squad," Shepard continued.  She tapped her fingers on his chest, and the ones holding his hand in place, "Ash lives on in here," she said quietly. "We can only hope that we can make peace with ourselves."  Axiom let go of his hand, and took a step closer.  Kaidan was to startled to step away, his hand slid up to her shoulder.  

     Shepard gazed up at him with a look he'd never seen on her face before.  Was that fear?  Hope?  He couldn't be certain.  The hand on his chest had slid down slightly, delicate fingers touching his solar plexus, distracting him.

     "Just remember," she said softly, "you are not alone.  I am here for you anytime you need me."

     Leaning up on tip toes, Axiom placed a soft kiss to Kaidan's cheek, and then escaped as quickly as she could to the elevator.

     Kaidan stood frozen, the feel of her warm soft lips burned into his mind.  "That couldn't have just happened." He said.  His words, spoken aloud in shock, were greeted by a deep rumble of a laugh.  Kaidan's eyes widened in surprise to find Wrex regarding him in an amused gaze.  

     "That did just happen," the Krogan rumbled, "and not a moment to soon, if you ask me.  I was getting tired of acting asleep to keep from listen to you blubbering."  Wrex stood up and ambled over to Ashley's workbench.  He gave a respectful nod to the memorial plaque, then turned his gaze Kaidan.   "She's some kind 'a woman, isn't she?" he asked, jerking a thumb toward the elevator.

     "W-what do you mean?" Kaidan stuttered.

     Wrex snorted.  "Her enemies fall before her, death follows behind her, a river of blood flows in her wake, but yet she has kind words for the man at her side." He sighed.  "I wish she were a Krogan."

     Kaidan looked at Wrex strangely, trying to picture Axiom Shepard, with her crisp blue eyes, silky auburn hair and sharply defined cheek bones as a Krogan.  "I don't see it," he said finally.

     "Yeah, that's the problem with you, Alenko.  You don't see it.  Shepard is tough, strong, and fair.  When it comes to enemies, she doesn't give an inch, and she takes a mile.  Yet she's more vulnerable around you than she is in the middle of a fire fight, and all you can do is stand in the little lines the Alliance tells you not to cross. Bah.  Why do I get involved?" the Krogan grumbled, returning to the storage crate he was sitting on earlier.

     Kaidan looked at the elevator again, brushing his fingers across the spot on his cheek she had kissed, wonder dawning on his face as the epiphany snapped into place, spurred on by Wrex's rant.  "Maybe he's right," Kaidan thought.  "Maybe.."